Getting your 'lil monster to behave...

I don’t know about you, but I've always found it pretty easy to encourage my 'lil monster to behave nicely…until now that is!!

She’s 3 ½ years old now and since she started nursery school on her 3rd birthday, her little personality has really started to develop!!    She’s a lot like me, in that she’s strong willed, likes to get up to mischief and have a good time! 


She will no longer listen or do as she's told!  Maybe it's because I haven't much experience or maybe its because I'm a bad mummy, but I really can not turn my constant frown upside down these days!!   Don't get me wrong, she's always had to be asked to do stuff 2 or 3 times, especially if she's playing and I want her to do something, but now she's actually saying no, shouting at me to leave her alone and when she's really frustrated she will blow in my face, lick my finger/hand/arm (this started as biting me but she hurt me so much the last time she bit me that I actually screamed and she got quite a fright!  

My Mum is my ‘go to’ person for advice – she raised my brother and I after all and we turned out relatively normal(!) 

I've asked her quite a lot recently about how she managed my tantrums and instilled manners and good behavior in us when we were that age, but she keeps insisting that  we were just well behaved kids….yeah right!!  Has she met me?!

Now that my 'lil monster is getting a little older and a little more independent, she wants to do what she wants to do and nothing will stand in her way… I've watched Supernanny a.k.a. Jo Frost and we introduced the naughty step not long after she turned 3.  It worked really well at first, if she ignored the warning, she would come to the step and sit quietly for the full 3 mins.  The novelty eventually wore off though and now as soon as I move towards her, she goes for the most awkward nook, cranny or position in order to make it as difficult for me as possible to move her – I have back and neck problems at the best of times and these have been intensified temporarily after a recent fender bender L - I have to physically pick her up and carry her to the step while she thrashes around violently.  I’ve ended up being kicked in the face more times than I can count!  (Fortunately the face kicking is from the thrashing and not intentional)

One of the main things I take form Supernanny is that my monster is not a monster at all!!  Of course I know this already, I don’t call her a ‘monster‘  because she’s a bad kid – far from it!  I call her that because of her fascination with monsters.  Most of her favorite toys, TV shows and movies all have monsters in them.  She also likes to play ‘monster’ type games – we have to hide from ‘daddy monster’ under a blanket while the B has to pretend he can’t find us, or we play tickle or kissy monsters, but never the less, it is always reassuring to know there are kids out there that behave worse than yours!!

The other thing I take from Supernanny is that in most cases – the parents are to blame for their kids behavior!!  Eeeek!!  It's horrifying to think we must have caused this, but we have to accept the idea before we can work on putting it right and that it's gonna get worse before it starts to get better!

I  decided to look on line for ideas and I found an article entitled ’10 Things Not to Say to Your Kids’ by Brenna M Hicks – Child Therapist, LMHC.  While I don’t usually like to look for experts’ advice (Supernanny is the exception to that rule as you can actually see the results on her show!!) – this article really hit home.  Mainly because I’m guilty of using at least 9 of these 10 things!  Whoopsies…who’s a bad mummy?!

Ok, so although I might say it a lot, I don’t really think I’m a bad mummy, but my ‘technique’ clearly  needs some improvement.  Brenna believes that parents can re-train themselves to use Play Therapy principles. It sounds a little bit daunting when it’s put like that but when you read the article, it actually seems incredibly easy.  It’s basically encourages you to use positive words rather than negative ones.  So here it is, what not to say:

1.         ‘No’

2.        ‘Good job’

3.        ‘Don’t argue with me’

4.       ‘Wait until Mummy/Daddy/other significant person etc hears about this’

5.        ‘If you do that one more time’

6.       ‘You’re doing that wrong’

7.       ‘This is what happens when’

8.       ‘You can’t/don’t do that’

9.       ‘We are (doing whatever it is the child doesn't want to do), ok?’

10.     ‘You are making me mad now’

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I say ‘no’ more than any other word in the English language!  I always thought it was really important to start with a ‘no’ from an early age as there are sooooo many parents that don’t bother with it and just let their kids do whatever they feel like with no regard for the consequences – and in turn teaching their children not to consider consequences.  Brenna suggests rather than telling your children what not to do, we should tell them what we want them to do instead i.e. rather than ‘no shouting’ we could use ‘inside voices please’  or instead of ‘no running’ we could say ‘walk please’  Makes sense right?!

The principles basically seem to revolve around acknowledging your kids and being clearer with your expectations.  Offering guidance and encouragement instead of threats and fear factor…in other words, acknowledge achievements by pointing out that they have accomplished something ‘You did it!’ instead of just letting them now they've done a ‘good job’, deal with the poor behavior yourself there and then instead of making the kid fear the person who will deal with them later – by which point they are either too frightened or have completely forgotten what they have done and then  don’t understand why they are being punished!  

If I want to guarantee a kick off (which of course I don’t!!) all I have to do it tell  my 'lil monster that if she ‘does that one more time’ she will go on the step  It’s like waving a red flag to a bull.  Before I’ll have even finished the sentence, she’ll have the wickedest little grin on her face and will be doing it.  I’ll be taking Brenna’s advice from now on and encouraging 'lil monster to ‘choose’ her behavior – if you choose to continue that then you choose to go in time out.  

So how about you??  How many from this list do you use regularly?  Do you have perfectly well behaved kids that you can take out to eat in public??  If you do….WHATS YOU SECRET?!?!  Are parents who let their kids do whatever showing more trust and getting results  - or just plain lazy and inadvertently teaching their kids bad behavior?  Who gives you the best advice? 



Check out Jo Frost on Supernanny,  Supernanny  US and the  Supernanny  website:  www.supernanny.co.uk 

Brenna’s website is www.thekidcounselor.com and is highly worth checking out!!  This particular article can be found here According to the website, she is currently taking clients for Parent Training…as if I didn’t already wish I lived in Florida!!!